Everyone gets irritable sometimes. Something unexpected goes wrong, somebody says the wrong thing, and we find ourselves upset. Oftentimes when people get irritable or angry, they feel ashamed, like they “shouldn’t” feel that way at all. But irritability, on its own, is a natural human emotion that everyone experiences. And, strange as it sounds, sometimes it can even be helpful. The problem isn’t experiencing the emotion itself, it’s what happens next: how it shapes our tone, communication, and behaviour with other people.
In this article, we’ll be discussing what irritability is and debunking several common myths about what is perhaps one of the most misunderstood of human emotions. This will lay the foundation for future posts to come, which will focus on better understanding how irritability works, how it can be successfully managed, and how relationships with the important people in our lives can be improved as a consequence.
So, What Is Irritability Anyway?
One of the most common misunderstandings about irritability and anger is that it involves screaming, slamming doors, and similar things. That’s actually called aggression, and the difference between the two is very important.
Irritability is an emotion
Irritability is an emotion, an internal experience that everyone has. It’s a part of being human, and it can sometimes even be useful as it can indicate when something matters deeply or needs our attention.
Aggression is a behaviour.
Aggression is an action, a behavior. It can include yelling, threatening, shaming, or acting in ways that intimidate or injure.
Irritability can be expressed thoughtfully and respectfully. Aggression cannot, and it tends to harm relationships. Understanding this difference is key, because it highlights that it’s not feeling irritable that’s the problem-it’s what comes next, and whether or not it leads to aggression.
Does Irritability Always Lead to Aggression Then?
Many people fear feeling irritable because they assume it puts them at risk of losing control. But getting irritable does not automatically produce aggression. There is always a moment between when the feeling is activated and a person’s behaviour occurs. That brief, shining moment is an opportunity to choose how you respond.
For relationships, this distinction matters a lot. When partners, children, or colleagues understand that irritability is not inherently dangerous, it can sometimes create space for openly discussing feelings and concerns, rather than bottling everything up until it comes outside sideways. It becomes easier to share concerns before they escalate, and easier to stay present with someone when they’re struggling. It also shows that change is possible, and that people aren’t just born irritable.
Wait, This Isn’t Just How I Am? I Can Change?
Many people believe their aggressive reactions are simply part of their personality. But while the feelings of irritability are natural, the behaviours that follow are learned.
As we grow and live in the world, we learn and develop habits and patterns. Especially if they’ve been learned and practiced over many years, they become almost automatic. But, learned patterns can be unlearned too. The nervous system is capable of building new responses through practice, repetition, and awareness. Just as people can learn a new sport or hobby, they can also learn new ways to manage and express irritability without harming their relationships.
Recognizing this, that a person’s expression of irritability is learned and not permanently fixed, opens up many different possibilities. Possibilities for change, possibilities for improving and growing relationships. And those possibilities are exactly what we’ll begin exploring in the next article.
A Note About This Series
This article is the first in a multi-part series on Irritability and Relationships, which draws on evidence-based approaches to manage irritability and improve relationships. Over the coming posts, we’ll explore how irritability forms, how it can be addressed, and how communication habits shape the emotional climate between people.
The next article will introduce and dispel four common myths about irritability—myths that, when unaddressed, can influence how people interact with one another and harm relationships.
This article is for educational purposes only and is not a substitute for therapy.
Material for this article was drawn from SAMSHA’s evidence-based approaches for addressing irritability and anger. Please click here for additional information.
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Dr. Drew Raab is a Clinical Psychologist who specializes in CBT and Trauma-Focused Therapy at The Mindful Living Centre.
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