Disclaimer: The ideas in this article do not apply when an individual is experiencing abuse in a relationship. If you are experiencing abuse, please consult a health/mental health professional/domestic violence centre for support.
Relationship issues are one of the most common reasons people seek therapy. I often
say to clients that the quality of your life is only as good as the quality of your relationships, and
how you feel within them. That includes all types of relationships. While romantic relationship
issues often look like trust and communication problems, or difficulties with intimacy, some
people find themselves agonizing over whether their partner is smart enough, funny enough, or
attractive enough.
Others may stress over their sexual orientation (“What if I’m actually gay/straight, and not really in love with my partner?”) or whether they are making the right choice of partner (“What if there’s a better match out there for me? What if I’m not in love enough? What if my partner doesn’t love me enough?”). The truth is, sometimes our distress in a relationship can be a product of our own anxious mind and body, rather than a sign that there is a fundamental flaw in our partner or our compatibility with them. So when you’re frequently feeling uneasy about some aspect of your partner, how do you know when your mind is alerting
you to a sign that this may not be the right relationship for you, rather than anxiety making a mountain of a molehill? And what else could be at play here?
What is ROCD?
There has been a growing awareness of the impacts of relationship-focused anxiety, also sometimes referred to as relationship obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), or ROCD. While ROCD is not currently recognized as a diagnosis in the DSM-5 (the diagnostic manual for mental disorders), the term has been used by researchers and mental health clinicians to describe the cycle of intrusive thoughts, obsessing, distressing emotions, and compulsive behaviours some people experience in relationships that go beyond the anxieties everyone is prone to experience from time to time.
The International OCD Foundation suggests that the symptoms of ROCD can be either relationship-centered or partner-focused. If you struggle with partner- focused ROCD, for example, you may frequently obsess over whether or not your partner is intelligent enough (intrusive thoughts), and every time your partner says something that your mind judges as “not smart”, you feel you must correct your partner and reassure yourself repeatedly about the relationship (compulsive behaviours). You experience a persistent discomfort, a feeling that you need to somehow make things “right” (that’s the anxiety).
Underlying fears in relationships
Can you ever be certain they are “the one”?
With relationship-centered ROCD, you may obsess over whether or not your partner is “the one”, whether you are in love enough, and so forth. You may spend a lot of time comparing your relationship to other people’s relationships. It’s important to note that everyone experiences automatic intrusive thoughts and that this is a common part of human
experience. What distinguishes ROCD is the distressing meanings assigned to these thoughts, which escalates their intensity and frequency. It’s a recipe for distress, manifesting in feelings of
distance from one’s partner, conflict, and challenges to intimacy.
Where does ROCD come from?
So what drives ROCD? Author and therapist Sheryl Paul, who has written extensively about ROCD, points out that often underlying relationship anxiety is the fear of loss. In romantic relationships, people may fear they are going to be abandoned, or that they are going to lose the relationship one way or another. These fears are often linked to attachment wounds from childhood, which are then reinforced by relational injuries at other points in life.
In therapy, people can explore whether ROCD is impacting their relationship or whether there are other issues they may need to attend to. If it looks like ROCD is at play, they can work with their therapist to discover its roots, and how getting hooked into intrusive thoughts and
compulsive checking and correcting behaviours keeps them from being present and engaged in what may otherwise be a really great relationship. They can learn how to navigate the thoughts, emotions, and behaviours in a way that doesn’t keep fueling the anxious-obsessive cycle, and to choose to act in ways that are more aligned with their values and with how they want to be and feel in their relationship. One aspect of this is starting to put some space between the intrusive thoughts and their associated compulsions, eventually doing away with the compulsive behaviours. Learning to tend to the wounded parts of ourselves that underlie our fears can also be an important step towards stepping into relationships with greater
presence and calm. We can learn to see our relationships with more clarity, rather than viewing them under the microscope through the lens of fear.
Strategies to support relational distress
Fortunately, there are a few things you can begin doing right away to start shifting the fear lens in your relationship. Dr. Ran Littman, a clinical psychologist who researches and specializes in treating OCD, suggests first identifying what compulsions you regularly engage in
to mitigate your relationship distress, and then asking yourself, is continuing to repeat these compulsions actually providing clarity and peace in my relationship? Are the compulsions contributing to real progress in eliminating my doubts? Recognizing that the ROCD symptoms are getting in the way of being able to fully experience your relationship is an important step.
Next, practicing ways to redirect your attention from your internal monologue to your external environment can help to break the spell of obsessing about your thoughts and feelings. It’s not about trying to suppress intrusive thoughts, but rather starting to see thoughts as just thoughts, disengaging from them and bringing attention to something tangible in the present moment.
Developing a mindfulness practice in an excellent way to start building these skills. Mindfully observing the thoughts rather than becoming entangled with them gives you more power to redirect your focus to what and who matters, and to give less energy to anxiety. There are many excellent free mindfulness resources online–I will list a couple below.
Therapy for relationship anxiety
If you’re feeling like relationship anxiety is keeping you from experiencing everything your relationship has to offer, you’re not alone. With therapeutic support, you can learn to meet your anxiety with compassion—and rediscover the joy of connection. Therapy has helped many people find greater clarity and connection in their relationships. It doesn’t have to be a relentless inner struggle. On the other side of your fears may be the relationship your heart has always desired.
Resources:
UCLA Mindful App and Resources: https://www.uclahealth.org/marc/ucla-mindful-app
Getting Started with Mindfulness: https://www.mindful.org/meditation/mindfulness-getting-started/
Marie Alexis, RSW
For more useful tools and resources, please visit our website at: www.mindfullivingcentre.ca