Toys and Tantrums – How to Keep the Household Calm Over the Holidays
As the holidays approach, do you daydream about the glow of Christmas lights and sipping hot cocoa in front of a cozy fire, or do you dread your kids’ inevitable sibling conflicts and cries of “STOP IT!” and “HE STARTED IT!!!”?
All kids have occasional emotional outbursts, and a change in routines, being cooped up in the house, and the excitement of holiday events increase the likelihood that issues will arise. Understanding and applying the following strategies can mean the difference between a holiday season that is “merry and bright” and one full of miserable meltdowns.
Clutter EVERYWHERE – how to reduce it
Whether you are celebrating a Birthday, Christmas, Hannukah, Kwanza, Eid or for any other reason, we have become accustomed to giving and receiving gifts. This tradition has become increasingly more prevalent and grandiose for so many occasions. There are a few simple strategies to mitigate the added clutter:
– RECYCLE or UPCLYCLE – as long as the recipients agree (or are too young to know the difference), they are likely to be just as happy with a recycled or upcycled toy or game, it will still be new to them! Get your kids involved and allow them to choose which of their less-used toys would be perfect for a certain family member or friend
– DONATE – if you don’t feel right offering used toys or clothes to your family members, you can still donate clothes and toys before the holidays. It will make others happy and free up space in your home
– EXPERIENCES – instead of gifting physical gifts, give the gift of time or fun! Consider a special one-on-one day (out for a warm drink with a scenic walk or drive) or a unique adventure, such as a zoo, museum, science centre, indoor play centre, trampoline park, amusement park, a craft centre, spa, movies, sleepover… the memories will last longer than any toy or game!
– KEEP IT SIMPLE – consider adding a limit on the gifting with a set price or quantity of items. Another option is to do a gift exchange, with each person gifting & receiving one gift – often known as Secret Santa, Yankee Swap, White Elephant, Grab Bag, Hot Potato or any other creative name. This can be in the form of a game on the spot or planned in advance. You can even do a scavenger hunt to find the gift, adding fun and time to the gifting experience, but one gift at the end.
No matter how much holiday fun is being had & how wonderful the gift may be, kids might still have tantrums
When misbehaviours occur, ask yourself “why?”
Despite our best efforts, we can never meet our children’s needs 100% of the time, and they will sometimes use negative approaches to get the attention and engagement they crave. This is where tantrums and meltdowns can occur. The behaviour we see as a problem might be seen by our children as a solution to their problem. How we respond to our child’s outburst is key in determining whether or not they will repeat the behaviour in the future. Trying to understand what our child needs from us in the moment and effectively meeting those needs will not only help avoid the blow-ups, but also model healthy problem-solving.
Connect before correct
When our kids misbehave, our first instinct is usually to say “no” and correct their behaviour, and we may resort to threats when our feelings of frustration and helplessness boil over (“Stop hitting your sister, or else …!”). Although it is important to set limits for our children, these strategies rarely work and sometimes backfire, “turning up the volume” on your child’s meltdown. In fact, showing anger or frustration can reinforce the misbehaviour, because even negative attention may be preferable to feeling ignored.
A more helpful approach is to stop whatever you’re doing and really listen to what’s bothering your child. Then, repeat back both the content and the feelings they have expressed (e.g., “I can see how sad you are that we have to leave”). When we are feeling extremely upset, the right brain, which processes emotion, becomes activated and interferes with our left brain’s ability to think logically.
This is why we find it hard to reason with our child when they are having a tantrum. We can help soothe the emotion centres of their brains by naming the feeling(s) they are experiencing, helping them re-tell what happened so they can make sense of it, and validating their feelings (“You’re angry that your brother took your Lego — I would be upset too if someone took something without asking!”). This helps children learn to use both sides of their brain simultaneously so they can self-soothe and control their behaviour instead of reacting to every emotion they experience.
Once your child is calmer, you can help them explore alternative solutions to their problems, instead of relying on outbursts. Ask them if they can think of other ways to handle the situation, rather than simply telling them what they should or should not do. When possible, give them choice in how to resolve the issue, as they are much more likely to repeat the cooperative behaviour if they helped make the decision.
An ounce of prevention…
The above strategies help deal with your child during or after a blow-up. However, three effective ways to prevent meltdowns from happening in the first place are to
- avoid common triggers when possible (e.g., consider doing grocery shopping when the kids are at school/daycare),
- anticipate when you will be too busy or distracted to fully engage with your kids and proactively “fill their love tanks” by giving them a few minutes of your undivided attention beforehand, and
- pick your battles (e.g., if your kids are enjoying a harmless pillow fight, consider letting it go) to minimize whining, sulking and tantrums.
The above strategies should help limit the frequency and intensity of your kids’ tantrums over the holiday season. Remember that it may take some time for these methods to work, and it is essential that you be consistent if you want to reap the benefits and make the holidays more enjoyable for everyone!
Dr. Chris Parrish
Dr. Barbara Morrongiello
Dr. Chris Parrish and Dr. Barbara Morrongiello are Clinical Psychologists at The Mindful Living Centre, a CBT– and mindfulness-focused clinic based in Milton, Ontario.
For more useful tools and resources, please visit our website at: www.mindfullivingcentre.ca
References:
The Whole-Brain Child. Siegel & Payne-Bryson (2011).
Honey I wrecked the kids. Schafer (2009).